she waits

i'm sorry for this late entry... i kind of miss the liberating activity of posting something and feeling of this so-called catharsis that reliefs your heart and withered mind. this entry that i'd like to post is something about love.. love is one of the best feelings ever... what it does is it makes everything you do better like, when you eat, you eat with someone special, when you go out it makes that day memorable, even when you do the smallest thing, love makes it better.

I am not the kind of guy that is similar to the ones you picture.. i am unique in my own way and i understand things differently, sometimes i can't express myself like how i picture my opinion.. that is why people that spent time with me find me weird and self pitying, naive and self frustrated non-fucker who it's frustrations is contagious for people around me that lectures me tends to be so damn close on putting the right things in my mind physically. i am the fat guy that when you happen to see at the gym you'll be saying "that guy has long way to go" or "i can't tell if that guy is an adult or he's just too fat for his age" and lastly when you see me smiling at very first time you met me, you'll make fun of me.

i prefer sitting at the computer and see amazing stuff, and try 'em everywhere. i do and say funny things that draws people around. i study things even if nothing requires me, i study random stuff, get music from people who got good taste and eat, eat more and sleep that's what i do everyday. but don't get me wrong. i'm pretty awesome at other stuff as well. i play the guitar well, write novels and sing. i tend to be average on cool things that my era has to offer like photography, cooking and other stuff that is cool to know.

See? i am a beta male... i'm nobody... i only have 0.00001 % of a chance to be have an actual chat with female, and 98% of a chance of blowing it and ending it on a awkward moment. i'm just to damn impossible to love. i can't impress them with jokes alone, because it makes this one fine line between true love and the dreaded friend zone.

but one day... the impossible chance appeared once more, and with my 2% of a chance to be successful actually nailed it... i became a boyfriend of a female! a pretty girl with a slim healthy body, a nice lady with a nice lips and smile.. we were so happy and inlove.

i sacrifice many things and i think so did she.. she showed me how to love and gave light to my worthless world. she is my savior. she's the umbrella when there's rain, she is my handkerchief  when i'm sweaty and tired.. she is my pillow to hold when i i feel lonely.. i was learning to love her one small step at a time. i was a beginner, a noob and a shit, she made me human to feel and instead of hanging around with the computer all day she made my everyday special. she save my sorry ass from having no chance of giving love like lover's do, the kind of love that drives you nuts and at same time nice inside, made me happy because i never actually that those gimmicks or pick up lines actually work on real life. i gave love and so did she.. that mutual thing was so an awesome feeling.

just when you are about to give everything, that single bad chapter in your life doesn't fails to show up... in all the times that i fought for her, i never saw her stress and frustrations about me before... how could i if i was blinded and selfish... it doesn't end here.. that 98% of blowing things up is still in there and though i keep on having a good streak it doesn't mean it's not lost forever... we broke up for she doesn't know if she's loving me anymore.. and i can see that she's happier with her friends than with me... and with that some other guy as well..

i'm a beginner... i was still a fool, new to things that i seem to show no potential on keeping... i love to love... but love gave something impossible for me to keep... she left.. i'm back to being nobody... three times in a row.. we keep on making mistakes.. i could had fought for her still... but just like what she said.. i can't change her... she's right... i can't change her for me... but i know love will..  that's the thing you want to find out to figure just how she loves you... i want to say.. you change me.. but none of it matters no more...

moving on phase is on going now.. bitterness fills the air and as usual my frustrations affects my friends.. everyday is a shitty day.. and thoughts of her saddens me... but we just have to make that move for it's the only option we got to make... sure it will be hard for me to move on for i have feeling of i could have done better but, hey! like what i've said earlier.. neither of 2% and 98% odds will disappear.. it can change... it can be better, it might not be now.. it will be soon... let things flow on your hands... it will never disappear.. things can hurt really bad. sometimes we can never get used to it... but we can learn to handle it... i guess what i really want to say is.. just be fine and well soon.. don't take life seriously nobody gets out alive anyway...

Deprivation test 001

I've been stopping myself from eating red meats since monday, i was planning to convert myself into a vegetarian but it is so hard to do because i can't put myself on its deep discipline since it has so many prohibitions, i have to stay at my safe high grounds from it, but i am determined to progress.

Not only that... i also have been stopping myself from a "Sexy time" ... ughhh.. yes, it's a pretty hard thing to do. at first i was like " aw shit, i can't do that anymore i have to refrain from it drastically", then i was like " 2:30am! okay!! just a couple hours left till it's sun rise and i'm gonna be able to do other stuff rather than thinking about Sex and stuff...... fudge!? @2:31AM?!!?!? THIS IS A SLOW DRAG!!!! COME ON! RUN FASTER TIME!", this shit has been going on for like 3 weeks now... and lemme tell you... THIS IS FCKUING HARD.

but then i just realize, after all that shitty endeavors that i've been taking.. i am kind of having a clearer mind, not that i can explain myself now easily now. instead i'm in a sense that i am able to think of things without negativity, and yes it allows me to step up further from the things i never thought that is not stopping me. i felt sexier because i saw myself inside my personal gym more frequently. this is something good. and yes also it allows me to do stuff for my good career.

i guess that feeling of needing something so bad is a good jump start. it's a conveyance! it directs you to put your fucked up stuff in their rightful place and your gonna be able to walk like a better man than before. this is not a promotional shit that you must read... this is just a plain personal experience.

when is it gonna stop? by the time i get in to a situation that i can't escape from that's the time it...... no not stop but resets... :) im gonna do this thing till i get a hang of it! i'm like a monk! hahahaha, guess that makes since i was called one before :D

Deprivation test 001 - day no meats - 5th day, le no sexy time - 16th (dang! it's been that long already)

i can't forgive you.... i just can't... ice queen came back donnixland

i can't seem to forget everything about you... deep inside me there still something that yells your name... your once sweet breathe whenever i stand close to you fills the air in places that we've been... our thoughts that built our world are still being kept in me... my world in ruins are so cold without you... your fingers that had once interlaced with mine are felt tonight. and i whisper everything that i should have told you before... you wide sweet innocent smile, those grins that hid those things you observe... the lips that is so naturally red took a every fear from me, even though it haven't touch mine... but i really really wish it would... its hard to see you like this... and i know for sure that you know all of these things from me... you feel this feelings from me... but i gave them for you... it just that you can't create something for me too....

but i'm still happy for you, because you are happy and i know with him you are at your best.... this is just me in complete remorse... i just... wished.. that i told you about these things.. it's kind of hard like this and at first i wasn't really sure about this kind of remorse coming but yeah.. it hurts like shit... i could have done something... i could have brushed away your tears when you were down, i could have brought you to laughs at those times that you were randomly paranoid, i could have done something special at those times that we see each other. i could have showed you live when i still had those chances...

now that i'm kind of feeling fine now let me just say FUCK OFF NOW AND LET ME GO ON WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU ACTUALLY KNOWING ALL OF THIS THINGS >:()

BLARRRGG!HH!!!

losing you :( (among them... you are the most remembered and loved...)

everything turned out fine, since they released the result of NLE DECEMBER 2011. we've passed! won't you believe that about 1/3 of 66,760 students who came to take that board examination passed, and i am one of them. I am super duper happy because i have been doubting my answers back then... and i was so anxious in those days... BUT with the aid of that individual... every mistake, every wrong turn, everything that i did was bearable, and i owe it all to that person.

i really wanted to tell her that if ever i'm gonna have a girl, i wish it would be just like her. smiles a lot, optimistic, easy-going, adorable, cutest of the cute! and most importantly makes me feel like what i want to feel... most of the time, like a kid, and a guy like when making life changing moments.

I think i really love that woman, i miss her hugs, her sms kisses (yeah i'm one of those people who enjoys those things) and of course and those things we do to make each other loved... though i think that i'm the only one who feels it... because hey.. what if she only does, or says that because she thinks i'm funny when i react on those things, or maybe yet i'm not crossing the friend zone. but either way, i still admit that i have feelings for her. :) even though i've no idea if she likes me that much too. :(

ughhh.. i'm about to leave her now... not because of this. (HECK NO I STILL WANT TO FEEL LOVED BY HER) but for the fact that we have to make names for ourselves now. :( sure I'm gonna super miss her :( i think i'll gonna go miss her so bad that i might drink a lot of booze and text her about my feelings... hahahaha...

but if she ever going to discover and read this... i just wanna say what i should've told her a few days ago...

hey..

i love you

i don't really wanna ruin everything we have right now

i just like to say that i love you :)

because i really do love you :)

no need to say something back :)

i'm not assuming that you love me back.

i'm just saying that i care and i will remember you as a mistake if i don't tell you these things :)

remember...

listen carefully..

i

love

you

(smiles)

one night madness!

so ano ngayon ang problema ko?, ganito kasi yun... kakatapos lang ng nursing licensure examination ngayon 2011 at ginanap ang exam ko nun sa letran... sa totoo lang nakakakaba hanggang ngayon ang mga nangyari ng panahon na yun... wala namang putukan o disgrasyang nangyari.. ang akin lang... masyado lang kasi mapayapa yung araw na iyon.. namamayagpag ang mga isip ng tao, yung mga bulong nila sa hangin ng pabalang ay nakakatakot gawa ng di mo nga malaman laman kung ano talaga ang possibleng mga tanong na lalabas sa exam.

ang dami kong preparasyong ginawa, tatlong buwan akong nagbasa ng mga sinulat ko sa review center, madaming chicks at madami din mukhang kukupalin ka. pero dedma lang ang trip nilang gawin kasi gusto namin lahat magaral.

Sa totoo lang di madali mag-aral... masaya kasi sa baon, may mga kaibigan, may napupuntahan, at ang araw mo may napupundaran. kaso mo sa review nga lang... araw araw may dadanasin kang halo-halong hirap na gusto mong pagsikapan na mawala. kung minsan pa nga eh parang gusto mo na lang na matapos ang lahat at maging ano pa man ang resulta eh iindahin mo na basta mawala lang.. kaso hindi sobrang iba ang pamamalakad nila sa ganito at ito ito ang mga shit dito.

1.) di yan parang long exam na kapag natapos ka, after 1 week may resulta na... mag-aalala ka muna talaga ng 1-2 buwan bago mo makuha ang resulta.

2.) may shit na mangyayari jan.. kahit acceptable na pass yung grade mo meron pa talaga silang protocol na gagawin o may follow-up obstacle na mangyayari para magiba ang grading pattern... malas mo kung alam mong pasang awa ka lang lagi tulad ko T.T

3.) at nagsayang ka ng less than P20,000.00 para lang sa exam (+review at registration) kapag lumagpak ka.

4.) AT YUNG SOCIAL STRESS GALING SA KAPITBAHAY, CLASSMATE AT BATCHMATE MO SA IBANG LUGAR!!! NGGGGFFFhhhHH FUCK!

madami pa talagang shit dito eh :( pero unfortunately ayoko munang puntahan yun kaso ayoko muna ulet kabahan :( kaya ito na lang gagawin ko ... *poofff

Tikman muli

"medyo may katagalan na din ako ng maggawa ko yun sa sarili ko, nailagay sa isang pangyayari na wala ng atrasan... nalagay ko ang sarili ko sa isang bagay na alam ko naman talagang pagdadaanan at kakailanganin ko... kaso napaaga ako... at ngayon ay parang mandadaraya na ako para lang makuha yun"

Minsan ba naisip mo ng mamasyal sa malayong lugar? malayong malayo para man lang maramdaman mo na wala ka muna sa mundo mong bitter-bitteran ka? diba oo? hayup kasi madalas naman ako nagaabot ng kamay ng tulong sa mga humihingi ng tulong sa akin, pero yung simpleng magtanong man lang kung ako ba may problema wala eh.. kailangan ko munang idaan sa madramang murahan bago pa sila magrereact na "pare di ko alam". ang labo din kasi ng utak ko eh... kung kailan nag aalok na sila ng "ano nangyari? anong problema?" ang nababanggit ko na lang ay "wag mo na alamin, kasi di ko din sasabihin" oo wala akong plano magsabi... naging ganyan na ako kasi napabayaan na ako sa tagal sa kakahila paloob ng mga nararamdaman ko... di na ako masaya magisa.... nakikita mo lang sila araw araw na napapatawa mo ay nakakairita na kasi di ka naman talaga nila iniintindi... ang alam lang nila ay... andyan ka... nakahandang magmukang gago para lang mabuo araw nila... tingin mo ba? kaibigan pa ba ako? o isang parti ng araw mo na di mo dapat intindihin... bihira lang talaga ako magkaroon ng makakasama para sumeryoso sa akin... kailangan ko talaga ng kakausap sa akin... kaso... wala talagang may paki sa akin..... bakit ba kamo? ito ang ilan sa mga ispekulasyon ko: (at oo dawit mga close friends ko dito)

a.) wala silang paki kasi alam nilang good in nature ako... di kayang manakit ng sobra, di kayang gumawa ng karanasan ng pasadya... mapagbigay sa oras panahon at tulong, at walang plano gumawa ng pasya para magtampo ka sa akin.

b.) wala silang paki kasi alam nila madali akong daanin sa mga bagay na maliliit at pawang panandaliang mga bagay lang... (hayaan mong ipaglaban ko kung bakit ko naiisip to... may mga panahon kasi na dinadaan ko na lang sa lakad, kain, tulog, alak, papahangin at tambay ang mga bagay... madali ako makalma para lang makapagisip ng matino... pero hindi para madaan sa uto, in other words dinadaan ko na lang lagi sa tawa... para di maging big deal ang mga BIG deal)

c.) wala akong kwentang kausap, taga pakinig lang ang position ko lagi... MAGALING na tagapakinig (ito din putangina.... bakit ba story nyo lagi ang dapat natin pagusapan?, wala bang ako man lang? puta kasi kapag dadaanin na natin sa story ko putangina laging childish ang tingin nyo eh... putangina)

d.) di ako malakas magemote... (kala mo lang!... madami din akong iniisip... pwede ba total sama sama naman tayong ginawa ng diyos, at sama sama din tayong bida... pwede ba kahit minsan ikaw naman ang supporting at ako naman ang bida? laging ikaw eh)

e.) (at ito all time favorite kong pagmunimunihan.. Wala silang pakialam kasi.. di ka naman talaga tunay na kaibigan.. oo ito na kasi ang pinakapwede rason ng lahat... napagtimbangan ka kasama ng iba... nagkataon lang na mas interesting yung iba... at ikaw? tuwing wala lang mapagtripan....

may mga panahon na din ako na bumubulong sa hangin, nagpapahalata.. nagpapakadesperado sa attention na kailangan ko... kaso ano nga ba tawag sa mga ganyan?? dakilang papansin? dakilang kupal na gagawa ng mga katarantaduhan para makapuslit ng attention? di ba yun ang kadalasang tawag dun? ang tanong eh.. gusto ko ba yun?? hinde... sino ba gustong mabansagan ng mga ganyan? wala naman... sira na ako... at lalo na akong nasisira sa tagal ng hinahanap ko... sa sobrang tagal di ko na nga matandaan bakit nga ba ako ganito? baka gutom lang to... tangina gusto ko ng fishball...

munimuni

"naisip mo na bang sumigaw sa loob ng iyong pagiisip na parang sigaw sa mga rakenrol na pinakikinggan mo araw araw o paminsan minsa? yung bang ang habol mo ay yung hagod na kikirot sa lalamunan mo at wala ng ibang mas magpapagaan pa ng loob mo kundi yun? oo yun nga at yun ang pakiramdam ko ngayon."

Sa buong buhay ko na lang lagi ako nabibigo, at ako nga talaga ang may sala nito... di ang diyos di ang mga tao sa paligid ko, hindi yung punyetang yero sa bubung na nagiingay kapag may ulan, lalong di yung bitter lagi na tindero/tindera sa mga tindahan dito sa amin... ako lang at ako lang ang may sala. sa exams lagi akong olats.. pangako at mga hamon? laging talunan (pwera kung sobrang sigurado na panalo ako) sa dami ng gusto ko sabihin di ko tuloy matukoy kung paano ko siya ipaparating... gusto ko na din subukan ito ng paraan pero madami din talagang makitid na utak ang sadyang lalapit sa iyo at maangengealam... di hamak naman na alam ko ang iniisip ko at balak kong gawinm di ko lang talaga gusto muna magisip magisa habang may kasama, hindi yung may isasama ako tapos magbibigay ng payo... hay nako..,

pero di na kita papaliguy liguyin pa... tungkol to sa pagmamahal ko at di tulad ng iba sasabihin ko bitter ako.. pero mas iba ang kantang gagawin natin para di ka mairita masyado sa kaasiman na gagawin ko.. handa ka na? kuha ka muna ng kantang magpapakuha sa iyo ng mood... (preferably yung mga kantang pang hopeless romantic).

Malabo silang tao.. unfair, pero sa kabila nun parang yun ata ang tipo kong babae... madalas sa kabardahan ko ang hanap eh babaeng makinis ang balat, mabango, di balahura, may mabangong buhok, magandang ngiti at kakaibang bahagi na nagpapangibabaw sa madaming tao.. wala kaming tipo sa maganda na ang tipo namin halos puro yung mga may potential maging maganda. kaya lang naman talaga namin mas napapansin ang mga ganitong klase ng babae kasi sa palagay lang namin na blanko pa ang buhay nila at pwede namin sila tulungan ito sa pagkulay kasama na buhay namin... lahat sila halos may ganung babae sa buhay.. may mga masayang bahagi at meron din namang masamang bahagi pero kahit di man yun kasama sa pinaplano nilang buhay pagibig.. meron pa din silang sinunod dun sa gusto nila... at yun ay ang pagkakaroon ng kasama. naisip ko to ng maglakad ako mula sa dating ortaleza sa tramo nichols papuntang mrt taft... madaming magkakakasama... magirog na, magasawa, bagong gelpren at boypren, mga nagliligawan at mga MU. malamang ako hindi dumaan sa ganyan.. at nagdududa na talaga ako sa itsura ko...

nakakainggit talaga ang mga nagkakaroon.. kaya ko naman talaga kung mapupunta ako sa babaeng di ko tipo... oo tama ka babaeng hindi ko naman talaga gusto, pero di ko siya ginagawa kasi di naman ako para manakit ng tao... pero sa kabila nun di na ako marunong manligaw... di naman sila pangit... sadyang mahilig lang ako sa mga babaeng malabo ang pagiisip... mga tipong may sariling mundong pinaiiral na ibang iba ang pananaw sa mundo hinahalikan ang bawat umagang makuha nila o kung di naman malayang babae di mo basta basta maiintindihan parang talagang retarded gawa ng mga sobrang cute nilang gawi. sadyang mahirap na silang hanapin ngayon kasi bukod sa description na gusto kong meron sila, meron pa din dapat silang ganda at kabaitan... kasi kung di ko idadagdag yung ganda edi sana nakipagdate na lang ako sa mga tao ng mental hospital diba?

sa totoo lang gusto ko na talagang magmahal... mga tipong itetext mo gabi gabi na may mga padawit na animo'y kabulastugan bago matulog. mga tawag na tawanan at basagan ng trip... mga tawag na sobrang importante, mga usap na magyayabangan na walang humpay pero alam nyong dalawa na halos buong buwan na kayo magkasama.. namimiss ko yung may tatawag sa akin bukod sa totoo kong pangalan na magpapataas ng balahibo ko, mga banat na mag papatawa sa akin sa oras ng kalungkutan at kadramahan, at syempre sangkaterbang pabor na iaalok sayo pero alam mong di ka naman talaga makaktanggi. sobrang namimiss ko na yung ganun... tsaka yung mga walang okasyong yakap at halik... sankaterbang pagkuha ng litrato sa utak para lang tandaan ang mga moments sa kung san san... (hanep diba?) kaso wala wala ng ganun sa akin...

kaya sa halip ng manggulo sa kung anu anung bagay sa mga kabardahan mo at kakilala, manunuod ka na lang... gagaling ka sa pagdescribe kasi sobrang naoobserbahan mo na sila ng paulit ulit... nakikita mo na sa ibang tao ang mga intensyon nila kahit nakangiti sila ng maayos at mukhang pinalaki ng maayos ng kanilang mga magugulang. naiisip mo na lang na kailangan mo lang talaga pagingatan na lang ang iyong sarili, pinalilibutan mo ang iyong sarili na kahit anong bagay na pwedeng magpaiba ng gusto isipin kaysa magpalungkot... sa ibang salita tinatabunan mo na lang ang problema mong walang di mo ginagawan ng solusyon.... maiirita ka na lang sa tagal ng pangyayari ng mga bagay sa buhay mo.. hanggang sa wala... aantukin ka na lang.. mapapagod magdrama, mahahanap ang sarili na parang tanga... nagdadrama di naman sasabihin... titingnan ang cellphone kung maghahanap ng kausap... sa halip... itutulog mo na lang... idadaan sa panaginip...