she waits

i'm sorry for this late entry... i kind of miss the liberating activity of posting something and feeling of this so-called catharsis that reliefs your heart and withered mind. this entry that i'd like to post is something about love.. love is one of the best feelings ever... what it does is it makes everything you do better like, when you eat, you eat with someone special, when you go out it makes that day memorable, even when you do the smallest thing, love makes it better.

I am not the kind of guy that is similar to the ones you picture.. i am unique in my own way and i understand things differently, sometimes i can't express myself like how i picture my opinion.. that is why people that spent time with me find me weird and self pitying, naive and self frustrated non-fucker who it's frustrations is contagious for people around me that lectures me tends to be so damn close on putting the right things in my mind physically. i am the fat guy that when you happen to see at the gym you'll be saying "that guy has long way to go" or "i can't tell if that guy is an adult or he's just too fat for his age" and lastly when you see me smiling at very first time you met me, you'll make fun of me.

i prefer sitting at the computer and see amazing stuff, and try 'em everywhere. i do and say funny things that draws people around. i study things even if nothing requires me, i study random stuff, get music from people who got good taste and eat, eat more and sleep that's what i do everyday. but don't get me wrong. i'm pretty awesome at other stuff as well. i play the guitar well, write novels and sing. i tend to be average on cool things that my era has to offer like photography, cooking and other stuff that is cool to know.

See? i am a beta male... i'm nobody... i only have 0.00001 % of a chance to be have an actual chat with female, and 98% of a chance of blowing it and ending it on a awkward moment. i'm just to damn impossible to love. i can't impress them with jokes alone, because it makes this one fine line between true love and the dreaded friend zone.

but one day... the impossible chance appeared once more, and with my 2% of a chance to be successful actually nailed it... i became a boyfriend of a female! a pretty girl with a slim healthy body, a nice lady with a nice lips and smile.. we were so happy and inlove.

i sacrifice many things and i think so did she.. she showed me how to love and gave light to my worthless world. she is my savior. she's the umbrella when there's rain, she is my handkerchief  when i'm sweaty and tired.. she is my pillow to hold when i i feel lonely.. i was learning to love her one small step at a time. i was a beginner, a noob and a shit, she made me human to feel and instead of hanging around with the computer all day she made my everyday special. she save my sorry ass from having no chance of giving love like lover's do, the kind of love that drives you nuts and at same time nice inside, made me happy because i never actually that those gimmicks or pick up lines actually work on real life. i gave love and so did she.. that mutual thing was so an awesome feeling.

just when you are about to give everything, that single bad chapter in your life doesn't fails to show up... in all the times that i fought for her, i never saw her stress and frustrations about me before... how could i if i was blinded and selfish... it doesn't end here.. that 98% of blowing things up is still in there and though i keep on having a good streak it doesn't mean it's not lost forever... we broke up for she doesn't know if she's loving me anymore.. and i can see that she's happier with her friends than with me... and with that some other guy as well..

i'm a beginner... i was still a fool, new to things that i seem to show no potential on keeping... i love to love... but love gave something impossible for me to keep... she left.. i'm back to being nobody... three times in a row.. we keep on making mistakes.. i could had fought for her still... but just like what she said.. i can't change her... she's right... i can't change her for me... but i know love will..  that's the thing you want to find out to figure just how she loves you... i want to say.. you change me.. but none of it matters no more...

moving on phase is on going now.. bitterness fills the air and as usual my frustrations affects my friends.. everyday is a shitty day.. and thoughts of her saddens me... but we just have to make that move for it's the only option we got to make... sure it will be hard for me to move on for i have feeling of i could have done better but, hey! like what i've said earlier.. neither of 2% and 98% odds will disappear.. it can change... it can be better, it might not be now.. it will be soon... let things flow on your hands... it will never disappear.. things can hurt really bad. sometimes we can never get used to it... but we can learn to handle it... i guess what i really want to say is.. just be fine and well soon.. don't take life seriously nobody gets out alive anyway...

Deprivation test 001

I've been stopping myself from eating red meats since monday, i was planning to convert myself into a vegetarian but it is so hard to do because i can't put myself on its deep discipline since it has so many prohibitions, i have to stay at my safe high grounds from it, but i am determined to progress.

Not only that... i also have been stopping myself from a "Sexy time" ... ughhh.. yes, it's a pretty hard thing to do. at first i was like " aw shit, i can't do that anymore i have to refrain from it drastically", then i was like " 2:30am! okay!! just a couple hours left till it's sun rise and i'm gonna be able to do other stuff rather than thinking about Sex and stuff...... fudge!? @2:31AM?!!?!? THIS IS A SLOW DRAG!!!! COME ON! RUN FASTER TIME!", this shit has been going on for like 3 weeks now... and lemme tell you... THIS IS FCKUING HARD.

but then i just realize, after all that shitty endeavors that i've been taking.. i am kind of having a clearer mind, not that i can explain myself now easily now. instead i'm in a sense that i am able to think of things without negativity, and yes it allows me to step up further from the things i never thought that is not stopping me. i felt sexier because i saw myself inside my personal gym more frequently. this is something good. and yes also it allows me to do stuff for my good career.

i guess that feeling of needing something so bad is a good jump start. it's a conveyance! it directs you to put your fucked up stuff in their rightful place and your gonna be able to walk like a better man than before. this is not a promotional shit that you must read... this is just a plain personal experience.

when is it gonna stop? by the time i get in to a situation that i can't escape from that's the time it...... no not stop but resets... :) im gonna do this thing till i get a hang of it! i'm like a monk! hahahaha, guess that makes since i was called one before :D

Deprivation test 001 - day no meats - 5th day, le no sexy time - 16th (dang! it's been that long already)

i can't forgive you.... i just can't... ice queen came back donnixland

i can't seem to forget everything about you... deep inside me there still something that yells your name... your once sweet breathe whenever i stand close to you fills the air in places that we've been... our thoughts that built our world are still being kept in me... my world in ruins are so cold without you... your fingers that had once interlaced with mine are felt tonight. and i whisper everything that i should have told you before... you wide sweet innocent smile, those grins that hid those things you observe... the lips that is so naturally red took a every fear from me, even though it haven't touch mine... but i really really wish it would... its hard to see you like this... and i know for sure that you know all of these things from me... you feel this feelings from me... but i gave them for you... it just that you can't create something for me too....

but i'm still happy for you, because you are happy and i know with him you are at your best.... this is just me in complete remorse... i just... wished.. that i told you about these things.. it's kind of hard like this and at first i wasn't really sure about this kind of remorse coming but yeah.. it hurts like shit... i could have done something... i could have brushed away your tears when you were down, i could have brought you to laughs at those times that you were randomly paranoid, i could have done something special at those times that we see each other. i could have showed you live when i still had those chances...

now that i'm kind of feeling fine now let me just say FUCK OFF NOW AND LET ME GO ON WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU ACTUALLY KNOWING ALL OF THIS THINGS >:()

BLARRRGG!HH!!!

losing you :( (among them... you are the most remembered and loved...)

everything turned out fine, since they released the result of NLE DECEMBER 2011. we've passed! won't you believe that about 1/3 of 66,760 students who came to take that board examination passed, and i am one of them. I am super duper happy because i have been doubting my answers back then... and i was so anxious in those days... BUT with the aid of that individual... every mistake, every wrong turn, everything that i did was bearable, and i owe it all to that person.

i really wanted to tell her that if ever i'm gonna have a girl, i wish it would be just like her. smiles a lot, optimistic, easy-going, adorable, cutest of the cute! and most importantly makes me feel like what i want to feel... most of the time, like a kid, and a guy like when making life changing moments.

I think i really love that woman, i miss her hugs, her sms kisses (yeah i'm one of those people who enjoys those things) and of course and those things we do to make each other loved... though i think that i'm the only one who feels it... because hey.. what if she only does, or says that because she thinks i'm funny when i react on those things, or maybe yet i'm not crossing the friend zone. but either way, i still admit that i have feelings for her. :) even though i've no idea if she likes me that much too. :(

ughhh.. i'm about to leave her now... not because of this. (HECK NO I STILL WANT TO FEEL LOVED BY HER) but for the fact that we have to make names for ourselves now. :( sure I'm gonna super miss her :( i think i'll gonna go miss her so bad that i might drink a lot of booze and text her about my feelings... hahahaha...

but if she ever going to discover and read this... i just wanna say what i should've told her a few days ago...

hey..

i love you

i don't really wanna ruin everything we have right now

i just like to say that i love you :)

because i really do love you :)

no need to say something back :)

i'm not assuming that you love me back.

i'm just saying that i care and i will remember you as a mistake if i don't tell you these things :)

remember...

listen carefully..

i

love

you

(smiles)

one night madness!

so ano ngayon ang problema ko?, ganito kasi yun... kakatapos lang ng nursing licensure examination ngayon 2011 at ginanap ang exam ko nun sa letran... sa totoo lang nakakakaba hanggang ngayon ang mga nangyari ng panahon na yun... wala namang putukan o disgrasyang nangyari.. ang akin lang... masyado lang kasi mapayapa yung araw na iyon.. namamayagpag ang mga isip ng tao, yung mga bulong nila sa hangin ng pabalang ay nakakatakot gawa ng di mo nga malaman laman kung ano talaga ang possibleng mga tanong na lalabas sa exam.

ang dami kong preparasyong ginawa, tatlong buwan akong nagbasa ng mga sinulat ko sa review center, madaming chicks at madami din mukhang kukupalin ka. pero dedma lang ang trip nilang gawin kasi gusto namin lahat magaral.

Sa totoo lang di madali mag-aral... masaya kasi sa baon, may mga kaibigan, may napupuntahan, at ang araw mo may napupundaran. kaso mo sa review nga lang... araw araw may dadanasin kang halo-halong hirap na gusto mong pagsikapan na mawala. kung minsan pa nga eh parang gusto mo na lang na matapos ang lahat at maging ano pa man ang resulta eh iindahin mo na basta mawala lang.. kaso hindi sobrang iba ang pamamalakad nila sa ganito at ito ito ang mga shit dito.

1.) di yan parang long exam na kapag natapos ka, after 1 week may resulta na... mag-aalala ka muna talaga ng 1-2 buwan bago mo makuha ang resulta.

2.) may shit na mangyayari jan.. kahit acceptable na pass yung grade mo meron pa talaga silang protocol na gagawin o may follow-up obstacle na mangyayari para magiba ang grading pattern... malas mo kung alam mong pasang awa ka lang lagi tulad ko T.T

3.) at nagsayang ka ng less than P20,000.00 para lang sa exam (+review at registration) kapag lumagpak ka.

4.) AT YUNG SOCIAL STRESS GALING SA KAPITBAHAY, CLASSMATE AT BATCHMATE MO SA IBANG LUGAR!!! NGGGGFFFhhhHH FUCK!

madami pa talagang shit dito eh :( pero unfortunately ayoko munang puntahan yun kaso ayoko muna ulet kabahan :( kaya ito na lang gagawin ko ... *poofff

Tikman muli

"medyo may katagalan na din ako ng maggawa ko yun sa sarili ko, nailagay sa isang pangyayari na wala ng atrasan... nalagay ko ang sarili ko sa isang bagay na alam ko naman talagang pagdadaanan at kakailanganin ko... kaso napaaga ako... at ngayon ay parang mandadaraya na ako para lang makuha yun"

Minsan ba naisip mo ng mamasyal sa malayong lugar? malayong malayo para man lang maramdaman mo na wala ka muna sa mundo mong bitter-bitteran ka? diba oo? hayup kasi madalas naman ako nagaabot ng kamay ng tulong sa mga humihingi ng tulong sa akin, pero yung simpleng magtanong man lang kung ako ba may problema wala eh.. kailangan ko munang idaan sa madramang murahan bago pa sila magrereact na "pare di ko alam". ang labo din kasi ng utak ko eh... kung kailan nag aalok na sila ng "ano nangyari? anong problema?" ang nababanggit ko na lang ay "wag mo na alamin, kasi di ko din sasabihin" oo wala akong plano magsabi... naging ganyan na ako kasi napabayaan na ako sa tagal sa kakahila paloob ng mga nararamdaman ko... di na ako masaya magisa.... nakikita mo lang sila araw araw na napapatawa mo ay nakakairita na kasi di ka naman talaga nila iniintindi... ang alam lang nila ay... andyan ka... nakahandang magmukang gago para lang mabuo araw nila... tingin mo ba? kaibigan pa ba ako? o isang parti ng araw mo na di mo dapat intindihin... bihira lang talaga ako magkaroon ng makakasama para sumeryoso sa akin... kailangan ko talaga ng kakausap sa akin... kaso... wala talagang may paki sa akin..... bakit ba kamo? ito ang ilan sa mga ispekulasyon ko: (at oo dawit mga close friends ko dito)

a.) wala silang paki kasi alam nilang good in nature ako... di kayang manakit ng sobra, di kayang gumawa ng karanasan ng pasadya... mapagbigay sa oras panahon at tulong, at walang plano gumawa ng pasya para magtampo ka sa akin.

b.) wala silang paki kasi alam nila madali akong daanin sa mga bagay na maliliit at pawang panandaliang mga bagay lang... (hayaan mong ipaglaban ko kung bakit ko naiisip to... may mga panahon kasi na dinadaan ko na lang sa lakad, kain, tulog, alak, papahangin at tambay ang mga bagay... madali ako makalma para lang makapagisip ng matino... pero hindi para madaan sa uto, in other words dinadaan ko na lang lagi sa tawa... para di maging big deal ang mga BIG deal)

c.) wala akong kwentang kausap, taga pakinig lang ang position ko lagi... MAGALING na tagapakinig (ito din putangina.... bakit ba story nyo lagi ang dapat natin pagusapan?, wala bang ako man lang? puta kasi kapag dadaanin na natin sa story ko putangina laging childish ang tingin nyo eh... putangina)

d.) di ako malakas magemote... (kala mo lang!... madami din akong iniisip... pwede ba total sama sama naman tayong ginawa ng diyos, at sama sama din tayong bida... pwede ba kahit minsan ikaw naman ang supporting at ako naman ang bida? laging ikaw eh)

e.) (at ito all time favorite kong pagmunimunihan.. Wala silang pakialam kasi.. di ka naman talaga tunay na kaibigan.. oo ito na kasi ang pinakapwede rason ng lahat... napagtimbangan ka kasama ng iba... nagkataon lang na mas interesting yung iba... at ikaw? tuwing wala lang mapagtripan....

may mga panahon na din ako na bumubulong sa hangin, nagpapahalata.. nagpapakadesperado sa attention na kailangan ko... kaso ano nga ba tawag sa mga ganyan?? dakilang papansin? dakilang kupal na gagawa ng mga katarantaduhan para makapuslit ng attention? di ba yun ang kadalasang tawag dun? ang tanong eh.. gusto ko ba yun?? hinde... sino ba gustong mabansagan ng mga ganyan? wala naman... sira na ako... at lalo na akong nasisira sa tagal ng hinahanap ko... sa sobrang tagal di ko na nga matandaan bakit nga ba ako ganito? baka gutom lang to... tangina gusto ko ng fishball...

munimuni

"naisip mo na bang sumigaw sa loob ng iyong pagiisip na parang sigaw sa mga rakenrol na pinakikinggan mo araw araw o paminsan minsa? yung bang ang habol mo ay yung hagod na kikirot sa lalamunan mo at wala ng ibang mas magpapagaan pa ng loob mo kundi yun? oo yun nga at yun ang pakiramdam ko ngayon."

Sa buong buhay ko na lang lagi ako nabibigo, at ako nga talaga ang may sala nito... di ang diyos di ang mga tao sa paligid ko, hindi yung punyetang yero sa bubung na nagiingay kapag may ulan, lalong di yung bitter lagi na tindero/tindera sa mga tindahan dito sa amin... ako lang at ako lang ang may sala. sa exams lagi akong olats.. pangako at mga hamon? laging talunan (pwera kung sobrang sigurado na panalo ako) sa dami ng gusto ko sabihin di ko tuloy matukoy kung paano ko siya ipaparating... gusto ko na din subukan ito ng paraan pero madami din talagang makitid na utak ang sadyang lalapit sa iyo at maangengealam... di hamak naman na alam ko ang iniisip ko at balak kong gawinm di ko lang talaga gusto muna magisip magisa habang may kasama, hindi yung may isasama ako tapos magbibigay ng payo... hay nako..,

pero di na kita papaliguy liguyin pa... tungkol to sa pagmamahal ko at di tulad ng iba sasabihin ko bitter ako.. pero mas iba ang kantang gagawin natin para di ka mairita masyado sa kaasiman na gagawin ko.. handa ka na? kuha ka muna ng kantang magpapakuha sa iyo ng mood... (preferably yung mga kantang pang hopeless romantic).

Malabo silang tao.. unfair, pero sa kabila nun parang yun ata ang tipo kong babae... madalas sa kabardahan ko ang hanap eh babaeng makinis ang balat, mabango, di balahura, may mabangong buhok, magandang ngiti at kakaibang bahagi na nagpapangibabaw sa madaming tao.. wala kaming tipo sa maganda na ang tipo namin halos puro yung mga may potential maging maganda. kaya lang naman talaga namin mas napapansin ang mga ganitong klase ng babae kasi sa palagay lang namin na blanko pa ang buhay nila at pwede namin sila tulungan ito sa pagkulay kasama na buhay namin... lahat sila halos may ganung babae sa buhay.. may mga masayang bahagi at meron din namang masamang bahagi pero kahit di man yun kasama sa pinaplano nilang buhay pagibig.. meron pa din silang sinunod dun sa gusto nila... at yun ay ang pagkakaroon ng kasama. naisip ko to ng maglakad ako mula sa dating ortaleza sa tramo nichols papuntang mrt taft... madaming magkakakasama... magirog na, magasawa, bagong gelpren at boypren, mga nagliligawan at mga MU. malamang ako hindi dumaan sa ganyan.. at nagdududa na talaga ako sa itsura ko...

nakakainggit talaga ang mga nagkakaroon.. kaya ko naman talaga kung mapupunta ako sa babaeng di ko tipo... oo tama ka babaeng hindi ko naman talaga gusto, pero di ko siya ginagawa kasi di naman ako para manakit ng tao... pero sa kabila nun di na ako marunong manligaw... di naman sila pangit... sadyang mahilig lang ako sa mga babaeng malabo ang pagiisip... mga tipong may sariling mundong pinaiiral na ibang iba ang pananaw sa mundo hinahalikan ang bawat umagang makuha nila o kung di naman malayang babae di mo basta basta maiintindihan parang talagang retarded gawa ng mga sobrang cute nilang gawi. sadyang mahirap na silang hanapin ngayon kasi bukod sa description na gusto kong meron sila, meron pa din dapat silang ganda at kabaitan... kasi kung di ko idadagdag yung ganda edi sana nakipagdate na lang ako sa mga tao ng mental hospital diba?

sa totoo lang gusto ko na talagang magmahal... mga tipong itetext mo gabi gabi na may mga padawit na animo'y kabulastugan bago matulog. mga tawag na tawanan at basagan ng trip... mga tawag na sobrang importante, mga usap na magyayabangan na walang humpay pero alam nyong dalawa na halos buong buwan na kayo magkasama.. namimiss ko yung may tatawag sa akin bukod sa totoo kong pangalan na magpapataas ng balahibo ko, mga banat na mag papatawa sa akin sa oras ng kalungkutan at kadramahan, at syempre sangkaterbang pabor na iaalok sayo pero alam mong di ka naman talaga makaktanggi. sobrang namimiss ko na yung ganun... tsaka yung mga walang okasyong yakap at halik... sankaterbang pagkuha ng litrato sa utak para lang tandaan ang mga moments sa kung san san... (hanep diba?) kaso wala wala ng ganun sa akin...

kaya sa halip ng manggulo sa kung anu anung bagay sa mga kabardahan mo at kakilala, manunuod ka na lang... gagaling ka sa pagdescribe kasi sobrang naoobserbahan mo na sila ng paulit ulit... nakikita mo na sa ibang tao ang mga intensyon nila kahit nakangiti sila ng maayos at mukhang pinalaki ng maayos ng kanilang mga magugulang. naiisip mo na lang na kailangan mo lang talaga pagingatan na lang ang iyong sarili, pinalilibutan mo ang iyong sarili na kahit anong bagay na pwedeng magpaiba ng gusto isipin kaysa magpalungkot... sa ibang salita tinatabunan mo na lang ang problema mong walang di mo ginagawan ng solusyon.... maiirita ka na lang sa tagal ng pangyayari ng mga bagay sa buhay mo.. hanggang sa wala... aantukin ka na lang.. mapapagod magdrama, mahahanap ang sarili na parang tanga... nagdadrama di naman sasabihin... titingnan ang cellphone kung maghahanap ng kausap... sa halip... itutulog mo na lang... idadaan sa panaginip...

segue of the reminded

have you ever felt so weak dirty and fallen?? and that kind of thing that you know that you have the strength to do it, but there is no kick with it to do it? i fail because i think and feel nobody cares, and nobody cares because i always fail... i tried redirecting but no... it got me stuck in the things i don't want to do.. i stick with friends but they make me so sad.... and nobody understands me... they tried pulling this thing from me... but i'm afraid of losing from this... but where infact i already lost.... i want help, i want attention, i want someone whose going to show me effort that liking me is important... my parents never trust me, my cousins i are so distant yet we try to get along... me and my brothers and sisters are not that close... i mean i can see that we value our friends than we have inside that house filled with abuse and hate. i am trapped in a world where i am becoming into someone with no future... i wish someone could save me... i want to live in a family where there is love and trust... i want to be there for my little boys or/and little girls. i will make a family which is the exact opposite of this. i know there something stuck in my head that asking me "why am i trying to be perfect? yet you knew that nobody can be perfect?", but i know deep in my heart that nobody said there a harm on trying.. i wish that inspiration will come soon... i guess we really need love......... and i need it now... and it can't wait any further.

rendering love

i wondered a lot of things everyday... i have tried stopping them from reaching me in my most sensible side but.. most of the time i fail. i keep things because i know that i am the one who will have the answer just by keeping something from the past, but the problem now is i've kept so many that i can't make space for the new ones. i am not a bad guy and i know that to my heart cause with it since forever.



when i was still small, i used to believe that my life is written that i am intended to step on something because it was written by destiny as if i didn't had a choice, so that is why i kept on denying my everymove and start being unpredictable. i was like a dog chasing trucks and i don't even know what to do if i caught one. i was in the early era of my playful weird creative mind, i made a world that everything is fair. it was cool, because i always wanted the best, i always aim high yet obvious don't do as much as the goals needed to be accomplished. i got girls that i saw seemed interested but i gave them disappointments because i was weird and didn't gave a fuck HAHAHA, yet still i found so many of them yet so little. I've manage to find a satisfying few girls but gave up my chances. and ill blind item them :D (warning this is not in order)



1.) Knives chau (yep she looked like a chinese girl) knives was suprisingly entertaining. we loved to try things with or withour our parents discouragement. she helped me try things that seemed impossible for me to do. when we were little i remembered we've played with something that we shouldn't be playing hahaha but i had a blast and that was the last time i saw her.



2.) Tifa (yep FF) tifa was so white with that graceful long hair and charming smile and eyes oh god i miss having a crush on her. she was the love of my gradeschool life but i had to be martyr and gave her up as well. im just a fan of her beauty back then and yep nothing happened between her and i, well yeah nothing.



3.) Bookworm ( don't let her code name fool you, she is beautiful) i was at my era of noobness in music, i was obsess about her and yep i did crazily obsessive things, but i've managed to stop i didn't know how but yeah those were regrets, but i am pretty thankful for i now knew how it feels like to be rejected big time.



4.) black chic (gothic) she was so random yet so weird. i'm a little weird myself but she was.,.. Bizaare..O.O but i loved her, we got a discreet love that for me was there, but she got over it i guess.. and i seriously regret not courting her. i wish i did.



5.) psychopath (yes she was) i loved her perhaps more than i think. she was my first success and i was grateful. but she left me for something or for someone. i don't know. but no one can replace what she gave me... a love that i didn't ask to be that great :D



6.) Ice Bitch (because she is freaking numb) well yeah we got involve with love, and ofcourse little that she knew i was falling for her. i was interested about different songs and she was there to listen to the noise of the world to find a good one with me. i was famished when she left me, its like she got me so high i can barely feel the pain she gave me, after the high all pain came and made everysingle song in my phone and mp3 deadly.



7.) boozequeen (alcohol) yep i found love with alcohol, i've established every love story have in one night. the next thing i knew she was... a different type of wo-man... i was this <.> close from being happy and thought having a kiss but yeah... four days later no reply nothing.



8.) amazona (yep macho pretty woman) she was the reason i always get up at four in the morning to see her at the bus and stare at her face, she looks like matilda :D and she was so fun just like matilda! XD



9.) that chic (yep average) this one is a catch, if you don't have problems with bouncing balls i guess, she got me having a traumatic experience about love and frustration was felt everyday.. i was inlove with an emo.. i was happy with her but she was a hard nut to love, plus she is one those girls that i wish i did better courting than i did with her.


that's all i can think of now... but yeah there's a hell lot more.

take some garbage from my peace of mind

have you ever thought of going back to your most favorite time? like going back to the ones that killing is just a hobby, and stealing is just a normal everyday fucked up, or the times that staying late at fast food restos are cool, and you dance with the duke box killing some time calling the owner of the shop "pops" HAHAHA, sounds good ey? i've always wanted to go back when it was normal to dress formally everyday, and you get to play blues outside and you are cool just by doing it everyday. i want to partake most of my time to drive a cadillac or a chevy truck and load it with milk every morning. i want to live like that, somewhat formal and fresh. without mistake and full of discovery, back when people think hairspray killing the ozone layer is a joke.

but my most favorite time was the time when people use candles for a light, wine instead of beers, books instead of television and stars and dancing leaves instead of computers and porns. i wanna go back when people value given information and able to program themselves to success. i want to ban TVs in my life so that i could learn more about the world and stop hating it. i want to let people see that people today value money than knowledge. people today are programmed to appreciate being wise than being smart and accurate about things, nobody invents today, nobody is next to a saint and everybody has been playing to sombody else's life. life is fair but its up to you if you'll fight for it. they think that tradition is more important than great and beneficial change. i want change but for some reason i don't know what to change and what needs changing. many of us think that we can never change because we are too reliant to what our elders made for us? that is so fucked up. we are the children, we are the youth, we are future. if this is the future? where's the greener side from before then? nothing? just an old grass painted green thats what! covering there shitty failures and allow "the next generation" to deal with it. and more failures to leave making their future shitty too. well im not up for that.

i thank them with all my heart for the entertainment they have taught us, the knowledge they seem to teach frigidly (no offense but i know there has to be more entertaining way to teach math than stuff animals teaching math), and the value of money. i don't hate the old or my elders, what i hate was the mistake they've done and not a single young soul like me even notice it. i love to live in a world of order and respect than to live like its amazing and fun now but zombieland for a future (fosho!). i want to give a more refining approach about everything that might come to their lives. i want them to see what's the true meaning of living you own life. being honest about what you want and like and aiming for it, then do something about it.

anyways this is how it ends today. im trying to change. my weight, my interest and skills. hope you guys do too. :D

Hooray rain!

i am not in my best to speak yet theres a lot from me that has to be heard. a few of them are about to be typed in a box in front of you, i'll try not to speak about love and stuff that leads to it HAHAHAHA..

but its hard... dayum.. okay uhmmm.. i am now thinking of a reason why should i be leaving my net hours and make space for my fitness hours, actually, i have lose some weight before because of the natural way, i have no motivation back then and i want my comments before, and i have regrets that i am now back from the beginning and it feels shitty, everybody has been asking why be fatter? and i have no idea why....

in losing weight back then i have device a mindset, routine, and diet for myself to have it all worked out. it may seem a bit a normal thing to do, but mind you, its hard. losing weight is a harsh thing to do to yourself especially if your are starting. lets count my ideas shall we?:

1.) dont be shy about exercise and diets - show everybody that you have no pride against it, you are guilty that you need to lose weight and you are helping yourself by being honest, help yourself to understand more about diets and exercise to make it work, and make it work hard.

2.) you just have to limit yourself.. from thinking - don't think about diet and exercise, diets are only to be thought when its time for eating, to remind you that extra spoonful of food has to be stopped. and exercise is only to be thought when its free time and you can do it. don't stress yourself, remember if you want to do something everyday, make it fun.

3.) control yourself not by food and body - sharpen yourself with exercise sweat, its the only best way to cut pounds and sharpen your look, remember your body has only a few years to look sharp and presentable, if your reading this you are probably 20 or 30 above, was it 30 years already of you being fat? want to to add more fat years? and food can be so delicious but eat it when you need it, not want. breath heavy whenever you know your done and needs to stop, breathing heavily helps you think clearly.

4.) don't overuse and pollute you body. i know it might be hard for you to stop drinking or smoking, but you must stop it and so are being lazy, late sleeping, vices and etc. should be stopped. you must be in your best condition everyday, to accomplish everything.

5.) read, write, sing or do whatever should be awesome, be not to be the source of boredom. be the source of epicness and awesomeness, because if you became bored, it would be not long for you to think about eating that is not super cool.

6.) stay sane in the dining table eat after 4-5 hours to better facilitate food metabolism. this helps you know!

7.) atleast have 45mins - 2 hours of exercise daily, of course must i say aim for more?

8.) the best time to eat is when you full. how do you make yourself full without eating a large amount of food?, small frequent meals?, water therapy?, herbs?, different food?, use your strategy wisely, and don't stick to one, research about everything about it.

9.) focus on somethng different everyday. you could like focus on abs today, or focus on a different diversion from food. do everything ber determined. atleast you don't think about the things that made you fat before, this might sound silly than thinking about your losts and bullshits in life, but atleast you will be happy soon. right?

10.) be patient, you can be healthy and fit soon after 6 months or 2 years who know!?,.. it depends on how hard you do.

that is just a few of them., you should be doing something now...

11.) don't sit when you surfing the net, chances are you''ll sit your hours in front of the computer..

12.) write your accomplishments if there's no people appreciates you, give it one vote of appreciation. let it be yu, and it's just a start.

ENJOY!!! :D lets do this together followers!

So i got deeper on this deep shit?

i can never be the same man i was before right after i met her, she got me so high she gets through my head almost every minute, and when i'm dull and idle she gets in my head like she's the owner of it. i kind of like in the first phase but it fucking hurt me when i got in the second and third phase, and i wish i'm in my terminal phase about her.

so what does she got that made me crazily obsess about her?, is it her hair that moves anywhere she wants them to be? or is it her pale white skin that i makes her look like a cool gothic chic?, her cool nails of many colors like a mood ring? her cute sweeet gestures whenever she walks by to someone she knew? her great smile and laughter when she's with me, the small conversation and wierd stuff we did (not the other wierd stuff, comon?!) that only two of understood?, or the things i desperately shared and she reacted to me like i totally made no sense but it was cool cause for some reason she made sense to me... she really rocked my world and with that she was one in a million for me, yes of course there is a lot of girls out there that might make me drool or act of fool in front of them, but she is pretty something. there were times that i needed her and she needed me, i offered a few things and she offered a lot of things too. (i should ban green minded people) i totally appreciate the things that made me honored to be noticed by her, and for no one has broken a lot of walls and stop signs in my territory of solitude.

what happened? hmmm.. let's just say i don't really understand, i planned of confessing and giving her hints about what i think we were building, but... i don't know, maybe its just me, maybe i was too vulnerable for her that i thought our hands were coming all together. i never thought i'd be this emotional about it. she keeps on displaying her likes about other people her sweet finds about others which is completely not me, no resemblance no nothing, i was like chopping onions man, the more i chop and chop and see more chopped onions the more eye soring for me, there's a handfull of times that signaled for a perfect timing, i good opportunity. but i always choked because of her numbness on me and sensitivity to other men. i was obsess-drunk about her, she was playful she was like a wisp or a fairy that played me. but since men got pride i displayed her that everything is fine about me, and things that you deliver will be properly recognized, and in the end of it all, all i got was a heartache and and eyesored memory, me being alone and her being in a relationship.

what i'm anticipating and plans?, i got no plans... im giving up, i can't wait because that's pathetic, i can't fight because there is no more to fight for, and i can't be with her that long for her to realize things. i hate myself being this way, totally vulgar but can't do shit about it, my hindrance is myself and my motivation is coming out from a brokenheart. i got drunk so many times that i even made a fool out of me, tried to restart my diet and workout but im too weak to do it, im broken, damaged and pathetic. and if i would want to find another girl who would want a personality like that??? Imaginary girls!.... (sigh) the bottom line for me to give to you guys and girls... hmmm.. take the experiences that chance gave you, there's nothing wrong to try nad give your best on it, and be merry for whatever it is... it's epic and awesome. and for her, (i'm thinking that she maight read this shit.) i think i'm starting to be happy for you, and i'll promise i wont do anything fishy around you and i'll promise not to anticipate anything and i want you to know that for me, thanks for making my world bearable I love you and yes buy me the damn drink already! and for myself.... instead of value-ing this failure.. i guess i should move on, and be awesome again and save this tears for someone else now.. like knives chau said "i'm too cool for you anyway so go now ...bitch HAHAHA joking try to understand HAHAHAH XD

a letter of human to another human being

hey,
if you are now reading this letter, i must say this is like the ones you have found that says "filipinoes sends their deepest apologies" to you guys only a little bit simple and with less agitation.

it so happens that i'm a filipino, I'm not shy or ashamed about it, in fact i'm proud to be one. the thing is, i just wanna give you my personal way of saying sorry, if only our countries are so adjacent and if you would let me i'll make sure i'll give my most sincere apology to every people of your country i'll come across. we didn't expect all of it to happen, it's a honest mistake but we do know that lives are so precious that god gave it to us to spend only once, and we can't put up with the lost that mad man made (which is that mad police man), there's just times in our lives that we are caught off-guarded and it's gonna hurt were it hurt the most. like you guys, we can't do something about our situation about you and your disappointment to us, and if that is the only way to save the thousands of friendships of our people, then we are willing to take our punishment as a man.

honestly, I'm not that of a religious man, but i've been praying for your people. and everyday i'm hoping someone would say it's gonna be okay for us. i wish i could give a lot of help to you guys.. i really mean that. i'll help you people in everyway i know like human to another human should... again we are sorry.

realization again... :D

after a lot of exercise, power diet and diet drugs (the good kind) i suddenly realize that i've been so far out, i never thought i've do something that i can't do, something that i can't accomplish, something that no one would dare to do... trying to please everyone is impossible believe me people.

that kind of thing is full of suprises, sometimes it suprises you sometimes you suprise them, for sometimes you just can't click with them so you're just gonna have to do something about it. i never done something that i've never thought i'd do, i was in a journey to be accepted in that lonely community, i was with the mobsters, boys in the hood, the hotties, the bitches, the nerds and most importantly the populars or the cool people. i can now dance in front of a teacher if i want to, shout in the top of my lungs outside that community if i want to, and run like a thief in front of boring people if i want to... except i only like to these things only if i'm bored, and let me tell you, it's a pretty damn boring community LOL.

i've gone to places i've never thought i'd reach, i never thought i can be a lawyer and save so many people, i've been a decoy, i've been a hero and i've been the villain. it's all part of the plan as everyone would say, but these fun things are just a piece of my journey to be accepted, and it's been the typical i want to have a life that feels so good, and so different from people. i want to show people that everyone has the power to give themselves a chance, try and try as long as they want to, and deserve the goal they worked so hard to achieve, yes people.

-to be continued-

the tragic of my episode with you

first time i saw you i said she is cute, with the smile that can tremble me down.
with the eyes that see my insides that burst like the ones in the movies that makes me happy.
you got all the qualities that i ever wanted to anyone in this world.
you made me forgot about my self and go on have fun with you.
but mistakes are scattered like air and that makes this fucked up.
i only made one mistake that leads everything so super bitter.
and that was loving you.
sure i do love everytime we are together.
i never asked of someone like you in my life but i ended up treasuring you and you did the same.
we didn't really love each other because we made a pact to not to.
but everything you did was like luring me to have you.
it was like you wanted me to...
you already ruined me, but i pressed on with it..
why did you have to do it again??...
i want to forget you but you fill my world about you.
and now everytime i wake, my day reminds me of you.
i can't give you love like what all of those people can give.
all i'm capable of doind is make you feel good again or happy
i am the caretaker of your vulnerable heart.
but you kept on giving it to someone else....
i like you, you like me and you need me.
i like you needing me to like you to need you
now i need you.. and now you don't need me...
i guess this means goodbye.

sorry for this pathetic things that i posted people.. nobody wants to hear it kasi.. goonmorning i have to sleep now.

poem shit

*tama na*

sa pinto ng kotse nakatingin habang dinadaanan ng mga ilaw sa labas,
sa isip naman nakatanga habang bumibilis ang oras,
sa gitna ng madilim na kalye
sa loob ng tumatakbong kotse,
punyeta saan ba ako tatanga?
para lang makalimutan ka.

mahirap pumikit dahil mukha mo nakikita ko,
mahirap tumawag dahil naaawa na ako sa sarili ko,
bakit ba tuwing may tutunog sa telepono,
ipinapanalangin ko na boses mo maririnig na tono.
di ko na gusto ang trip ng puso ko,
puro paawa na di ko naman talaga gusto.

pagbaba sa kotse,
sabay tingin sa bintana ng bahay,
wala ng oras para umatubili,
kumabig sa dibdib naglalantang gulay,
lumabas ka sa pintong nasa harap ko.
sa loobloob ko ang sabi ko "putang ina ko"
pero nandyan ka na..
masaya at tamang ganda..
simple at nakakatuwa.
nakakainis na nakakatawa.
matsatsaga ba kita?
maayos na ulit ang lahat...
sa pinagiisip ng hirap,
at sa dinami-daming magandang alaala.
ang pagiisip ng mga ganito? ewan ko.
mas importante ka tama na.

here in my room :(

I made a commitment awhile ago, and that was about my hopes of achieving most of my achievements before i end up being lonely.

i was devastated about my life lately, i can't seem to find where i last saw my fun drive. i kept on having these sudden thoughts about why shouldn't i be happy or something, i can't really explain it but it gets me down all the time.

i guess what really gets me down is the idea that i can't really get what i want even if the whole road to my goal is easy. my mind is keeping me from easy things and wants me to walk to the hardest and i guess both the peculiar path and hard level tends to bring me failure which is kind of the reason that gets me down. but i figured that if i keep on hoping inside myself that the world might change someday maybe, just maybe i will be alright and fit well on this so-called "beautiful world".

many of my friends doesn't really understand me, believe me i don't really mind. because for starters i always believe that there is really something wrong on how i show my true self. it might be because i'm really that weird inside my thoughts. second is all about my ability to hide my opinion on things. it's like they don't really know why and how i care about things and to be honest it's more than they think it is.

but tonight i'm giving my life one more chance, i'm restarting my whole life and approach every obstacles with one step at a time, i maybe a failure now but, nobody said we can't restart our lives, i'm gonna start over and leave everything behind except every experience that might come very handy. and instead of being a good PUA alone, i'll be a great PUA with a background of BU mastery! tell me ain't that be greaT!? well time is up, i have to go... ill post something shortly!

today, tomorrow, yesterday

i'm dumb-founded, i was mocked with everything that i was hoping. it turns out that the truth that was moved in-front of me was devastating. i can't handle this thing anymore and i think it's for my sake to end my soft side for her. i can't tolerate this prolonged hopelessness. she was to great for my, too much sometimes it hurts. :(

she is cool and understood everything that i told her, she listens to me and i love everytime she predicts every word i utter though it's completely wrong (which is hilarious). i like how she stares at something that she really like and then gets it while all she did was say that she wish she have it. i love how she makes faces when she is confused or got irritated, i like how she sing things that is completely out of tune, and how she likes a person so much that sometimes it hurts. i hate it when she doesn't consider me as a friend though i'm always available to help her. i hate it when she is still shy whenever i'm offering my services for her (school stuff don't think weird). I hate her one time when she told someone else about someone who it thought that it was me (because of the similarities) but it turns out some freaky guy. if there is one thing that i super duper hate about her is that she makes things that will always make me remember her.

she is the reason why i change, she made me take things at risk so that i'll know what it feels like to love this cruel but always right (yeah right) world. but i shoukd have known better. the world doesn't make a sense to agitated people like me. i found it at it's worst, i should have seen it in a very simple and appreciative side, like how a fool does. *sigh*

anyhow, i'll try to forget this shitty ass girl, even if it takes me a long time. hell from where i came from this is nothing compare to CDx (from which i failed! thanks to that smart ass perky sneaky b!tch!) *sigh* damn... i wish this ends now, i'm tired of pretending to be okay with this kind of life. my life is like the movie rocket science.......... BUMMER

cross out the fucking yes man list!

i just realized that i have this certain disease that can't seem to fail me to drive my self esteem and my desires to a maximum level. i have this kind of thing that can convert my shity side into something powerful and unstoppable... i think.

i hate when i realize that what i have been doing was wrong.. i have been desperate, naive and self-fish.. but for now on, i will keep on changing... heck i don't need people for me to live... i can live on without them. my life has it's own limits, though i have met them, i don'thave plans on giving up for myself, once i'm done repairing myself, i will be happy soon, not sinistrous plan, but with faith in me. that was what i'm lacking of.

i will be okay soon... i promise.... this is for you man on the mirror...

love drunk part 3

have you ever been sad before? hey can i an be emo for awhile? it's been years since i last sung my heart and mind out... can't find a perfect time to express myself these days because i have been busy making others spit there misery out by having a laugh trip time with them.

I have never been okay, my mind wants to rest from all that mind games of hiding this "rot bag"; i asked if you have been sad because i want you to relate with me, not the kind of something emo sad i want you to be sad for nothing and the reason from this thread, which is something frustrating to think about with no obvious answers. i asked because like everyone else and like my title says it's a love related thingy.

why can't i be contented with what i have right now. though i'm lacking of something to put
beside my fingers, though i'm not hugging someone, though i'm not spending the rest of my time texting a special someone, though i'm not happy, though these things makes a melancholy vibe to myself but i accept everyone who will laugh about this.

i help people out from of there misery, i kept on telling them "how can that person love you if you don't love yourself, it's hard to fill a broken bucket. love means you love the same thing, if that person loves you, love yourself too. it will make them easier to love you and make them feel good about themselves." but how can i be like that if i can't even have an inspiration to do so? it's not like i'm asking to much, but it's been years of hiding. i have been strong but not long enough to reach the other end of my dark time. and it goes to show that i messed up big time, it's pathetic but rational for us to ask for help when it's been long after you fell at the cold cruel floor.

if there's anyone who could cheer me, will that be because i put this thing here? you guys must be laughing your ass off (which i will probably do so after a long time) but this is the only thing i know to put a helping for myself. like in a war i am like the noob guy who always get most of the shots but still live to get some more the next day. naive as you call it, atleast i made your time well spent...

thanks for the effort...