rendering love

i wondered a lot of things everyday... i have tried stopping them from reaching me in my most sensible side but.. most of the time i fail. i keep things because i know that i am the one who will have the answer just by keeping something from the past, but the problem now is i've kept so many that i can't make space for the new ones. i am not a bad guy and i know that to my heart cause with it since forever.



when i was still small, i used to believe that my life is written that i am intended to step on something because it was written by destiny as if i didn't had a choice, so that is why i kept on denying my everymove and start being unpredictable. i was like a dog chasing trucks and i don't even know what to do if i caught one. i was in the early era of my playful weird creative mind, i made a world that everything is fair. it was cool, because i always wanted the best, i always aim high yet obvious don't do as much as the goals needed to be accomplished. i got girls that i saw seemed interested but i gave them disappointments because i was weird and didn't gave a fuck HAHAHA, yet still i found so many of them yet so little. I've manage to find a satisfying few girls but gave up my chances. and ill blind item them :D (warning this is not in order)



1.) Knives chau (yep she looked like a chinese girl) knives was suprisingly entertaining. we loved to try things with or withour our parents discouragement. she helped me try things that seemed impossible for me to do. when we were little i remembered we've played with something that we shouldn't be playing hahaha but i had a blast and that was the last time i saw her.



2.) Tifa (yep FF) tifa was so white with that graceful long hair and charming smile and eyes oh god i miss having a crush on her. she was the love of my gradeschool life but i had to be martyr and gave her up as well. im just a fan of her beauty back then and yep nothing happened between her and i, well yeah nothing.



3.) Bookworm ( don't let her code name fool you, she is beautiful) i was at my era of noobness in music, i was obsess about her and yep i did crazily obsessive things, but i've managed to stop i didn't know how but yeah those were regrets, but i am pretty thankful for i now knew how it feels like to be rejected big time.



4.) black chic (gothic) she was so random yet so weird. i'm a little weird myself but she was.,.. Bizaare..O.O but i loved her, we got a discreet love that for me was there, but she got over it i guess.. and i seriously regret not courting her. i wish i did.



5.) psychopath (yes she was) i loved her perhaps more than i think. she was my first success and i was grateful. but she left me for something or for someone. i don't know. but no one can replace what she gave me... a love that i didn't ask to be that great :D



6.) Ice Bitch (because she is freaking numb) well yeah we got involve with love, and ofcourse little that she knew i was falling for her. i was interested about different songs and she was there to listen to the noise of the world to find a good one with me. i was famished when she left me, its like she got me so high i can barely feel the pain she gave me, after the high all pain came and made everysingle song in my phone and mp3 deadly.



7.) boozequeen (alcohol) yep i found love with alcohol, i've established every love story have in one night. the next thing i knew she was... a different type of wo-man... i was this <.> close from being happy and thought having a kiss but yeah... four days later no reply nothing.



8.) amazona (yep macho pretty woman) she was the reason i always get up at four in the morning to see her at the bus and stare at her face, she looks like matilda :D and she was so fun just like matilda! XD



9.) that chic (yep average) this one is a catch, if you don't have problems with bouncing balls i guess, she got me having a traumatic experience about love and frustration was felt everyday.. i was inlove with an emo.. i was happy with her but she was a hard nut to love, plus she is one those girls that i wish i did better courting than i did with her.


that's all i can think of now... but yeah there's a hell lot more.

take some garbage from my peace of mind

have you ever thought of going back to your most favorite time? like going back to the ones that killing is just a hobby, and stealing is just a normal everyday fucked up, or the times that staying late at fast food restos are cool, and you dance with the duke box killing some time calling the owner of the shop "pops" HAHAHA, sounds good ey? i've always wanted to go back when it was normal to dress formally everyday, and you get to play blues outside and you are cool just by doing it everyday. i want to partake most of my time to drive a cadillac or a chevy truck and load it with milk every morning. i want to live like that, somewhat formal and fresh. without mistake and full of discovery, back when people think hairspray killing the ozone layer is a joke.

but my most favorite time was the time when people use candles for a light, wine instead of beers, books instead of television and stars and dancing leaves instead of computers and porns. i wanna go back when people value given information and able to program themselves to success. i want to ban TVs in my life so that i could learn more about the world and stop hating it. i want to let people see that people today value money than knowledge. people today are programmed to appreciate being wise than being smart and accurate about things, nobody invents today, nobody is next to a saint and everybody has been playing to sombody else's life. life is fair but its up to you if you'll fight for it. they think that tradition is more important than great and beneficial change. i want change but for some reason i don't know what to change and what needs changing. many of us think that we can never change because we are too reliant to what our elders made for us? that is so fucked up. we are the children, we are the youth, we are future. if this is the future? where's the greener side from before then? nothing? just an old grass painted green thats what! covering there shitty failures and allow "the next generation" to deal with it. and more failures to leave making their future shitty too. well im not up for that.

i thank them with all my heart for the entertainment they have taught us, the knowledge they seem to teach frigidly (no offense but i know there has to be more entertaining way to teach math than stuff animals teaching math), and the value of money. i don't hate the old or my elders, what i hate was the mistake they've done and not a single young soul like me even notice it. i love to live in a world of order and respect than to live like its amazing and fun now but zombieland for a future (fosho!). i want to give a more refining approach about everything that might come to their lives. i want them to see what's the true meaning of living you own life. being honest about what you want and like and aiming for it, then do something about it.

anyways this is how it ends today. im trying to change. my weight, my interest and skills. hope you guys do too. :D

Hooray rain!

i am not in my best to speak yet theres a lot from me that has to be heard. a few of them are about to be typed in a box in front of you, i'll try not to speak about love and stuff that leads to it HAHAHAHA..

but its hard... dayum.. okay uhmmm.. i am now thinking of a reason why should i be leaving my net hours and make space for my fitness hours, actually, i have lose some weight before because of the natural way, i have no motivation back then and i want my comments before, and i have regrets that i am now back from the beginning and it feels shitty, everybody has been asking why be fatter? and i have no idea why....

in losing weight back then i have device a mindset, routine, and diet for myself to have it all worked out. it may seem a bit a normal thing to do, but mind you, its hard. losing weight is a harsh thing to do to yourself especially if your are starting. lets count my ideas shall we?:

1.) dont be shy about exercise and diets - show everybody that you have no pride against it, you are guilty that you need to lose weight and you are helping yourself by being honest, help yourself to understand more about diets and exercise to make it work, and make it work hard.

2.) you just have to limit yourself.. from thinking - don't think about diet and exercise, diets are only to be thought when its time for eating, to remind you that extra spoonful of food has to be stopped. and exercise is only to be thought when its free time and you can do it. don't stress yourself, remember if you want to do something everyday, make it fun.

3.) control yourself not by food and body - sharpen yourself with exercise sweat, its the only best way to cut pounds and sharpen your look, remember your body has only a few years to look sharp and presentable, if your reading this you are probably 20 or 30 above, was it 30 years already of you being fat? want to to add more fat years? and food can be so delicious but eat it when you need it, not want. breath heavy whenever you know your done and needs to stop, breathing heavily helps you think clearly.

4.) don't overuse and pollute you body. i know it might be hard for you to stop drinking or smoking, but you must stop it and so are being lazy, late sleeping, vices and etc. should be stopped. you must be in your best condition everyday, to accomplish everything.

5.) read, write, sing or do whatever should be awesome, be not to be the source of boredom. be the source of epicness and awesomeness, because if you became bored, it would be not long for you to think about eating that is not super cool.

6.) stay sane in the dining table eat after 4-5 hours to better facilitate food metabolism. this helps you know!

7.) atleast have 45mins - 2 hours of exercise daily, of course must i say aim for more?

8.) the best time to eat is when you full. how do you make yourself full without eating a large amount of food?, small frequent meals?, water therapy?, herbs?, different food?, use your strategy wisely, and don't stick to one, research about everything about it.

9.) focus on somethng different everyday. you could like focus on abs today, or focus on a different diversion from food. do everything ber determined. atleast you don't think about the things that made you fat before, this might sound silly than thinking about your losts and bullshits in life, but atleast you will be happy soon. right?

10.) be patient, you can be healthy and fit soon after 6 months or 2 years who know!?,.. it depends on how hard you do.

that is just a few of them., you should be doing something now...

11.) don't sit when you surfing the net, chances are you''ll sit your hours in front of the computer..

12.) write your accomplishments if there's no people appreciates you, give it one vote of appreciation. let it be yu, and it's just a start.

ENJOY!!! :D lets do this together followers!

So i got deeper on this deep shit?

i can never be the same man i was before right after i met her, she got me so high she gets through my head almost every minute, and when i'm dull and idle she gets in my head like she's the owner of it. i kind of like in the first phase but it fucking hurt me when i got in the second and third phase, and i wish i'm in my terminal phase about her.

so what does she got that made me crazily obsess about her?, is it her hair that moves anywhere she wants them to be? or is it her pale white skin that i makes her look like a cool gothic chic?, her cool nails of many colors like a mood ring? her cute sweeet gestures whenever she walks by to someone she knew? her great smile and laughter when she's with me, the small conversation and wierd stuff we did (not the other wierd stuff, comon?!) that only two of understood?, or the things i desperately shared and she reacted to me like i totally made no sense but it was cool cause for some reason she made sense to me... she really rocked my world and with that she was one in a million for me, yes of course there is a lot of girls out there that might make me drool or act of fool in front of them, but she is pretty something. there were times that i needed her and she needed me, i offered a few things and she offered a lot of things too. (i should ban green minded people) i totally appreciate the things that made me honored to be noticed by her, and for no one has broken a lot of walls and stop signs in my territory of solitude.

what happened? hmmm.. let's just say i don't really understand, i planned of confessing and giving her hints about what i think we were building, but... i don't know, maybe its just me, maybe i was too vulnerable for her that i thought our hands were coming all together. i never thought i'd be this emotional about it. she keeps on displaying her likes about other people her sweet finds about others which is completely not me, no resemblance no nothing, i was like chopping onions man, the more i chop and chop and see more chopped onions the more eye soring for me, there's a handfull of times that signaled for a perfect timing, i good opportunity. but i always choked because of her numbness on me and sensitivity to other men. i was obsess-drunk about her, she was playful she was like a wisp or a fairy that played me. but since men got pride i displayed her that everything is fine about me, and things that you deliver will be properly recognized, and in the end of it all, all i got was a heartache and and eyesored memory, me being alone and her being in a relationship.

what i'm anticipating and plans?, i got no plans... im giving up, i can't wait because that's pathetic, i can't fight because there is no more to fight for, and i can't be with her that long for her to realize things. i hate myself being this way, totally vulgar but can't do shit about it, my hindrance is myself and my motivation is coming out from a brokenheart. i got drunk so many times that i even made a fool out of me, tried to restart my diet and workout but im too weak to do it, im broken, damaged and pathetic. and if i would want to find another girl who would want a personality like that??? Imaginary girls!.... (sigh) the bottom line for me to give to you guys and girls... hmmm.. take the experiences that chance gave you, there's nothing wrong to try nad give your best on it, and be merry for whatever it is... it's epic and awesome. and for her, (i'm thinking that she maight read this shit.) i think i'm starting to be happy for you, and i'll promise i wont do anything fishy around you and i'll promise not to anticipate anything and i want you to know that for me, thanks for making my world bearable I love you and yes buy me the damn drink already! and for myself.... instead of value-ing this failure.. i guess i should move on, and be awesome again and save this tears for someone else now.. like knives chau said "i'm too cool for you anyway so go now ...bitch HAHAHA joking try to understand HAHAHAH XD