she waits

i'm sorry for this late entry... i kind of miss the liberating activity of posting something and feeling of this so-called catharsis that reliefs your heart and withered mind. this entry that i'd like to post is something about love.. love is one of the best feelings ever... what it does is it makes everything you do better like, when you eat, you eat with someone special, when you go out it makes that day memorable, even when you do the smallest thing, love makes it better.

I am not the kind of guy that is similar to the ones you picture.. i am unique in my own way and i understand things differently, sometimes i can't express myself like how i picture my opinion.. that is why people that spent time with me find me weird and self pitying, naive and self frustrated non-fucker who it's frustrations is contagious for people around me that lectures me tends to be so damn close on putting the right things in my mind physically. i am the fat guy that when you happen to see at the gym you'll be saying "that guy has long way to go" or "i can't tell if that guy is an adult or he's just too fat for his age" and lastly when you see me smiling at very first time you met me, you'll make fun of me.

i prefer sitting at the computer and see amazing stuff, and try 'em everywhere. i do and say funny things that draws people around. i study things even if nothing requires me, i study random stuff, get music from people who got good taste and eat, eat more and sleep that's what i do everyday. but don't get me wrong. i'm pretty awesome at other stuff as well. i play the guitar well, write novels and sing. i tend to be average on cool things that my era has to offer like photography, cooking and other stuff that is cool to know.

See? i am a beta male... i'm nobody... i only have 0.00001 % of a chance to be have an actual chat with female, and 98% of a chance of blowing it and ending it on a awkward moment. i'm just to damn impossible to love. i can't impress them with jokes alone, because it makes this one fine line between true love and the dreaded friend zone.

but one day... the impossible chance appeared once more, and with my 2% of a chance to be successful actually nailed it... i became a boyfriend of a female! a pretty girl with a slim healthy body, a nice lady with a nice lips and smile.. we were so happy and inlove.

i sacrifice many things and i think so did she.. she showed me how to love and gave light to my worthless world. she is my savior. she's the umbrella when there's rain, she is my handkerchief  when i'm sweaty and tired.. she is my pillow to hold when i i feel lonely.. i was learning to love her one small step at a time. i was a beginner, a noob and a shit, she made me human to feel and instead of hanging around with the computer all day she made my everyday special. she save my sorry ass from having no chance of giving love like lover's do, the kind of love that drives you nuts and at same time nice inside, made me happy because i never actually that those gimmicks or pick up lines actually work on real life. i gave love and so did she.. that mutual thing was so an awesome feeling.

just when you are about to give everything, that single bad chapter in your life doesn't fails to show up... in all the times that i fought for her, i never saw her stress and frustrations about me before... how could i if i was blinded and selfish... it doesn't end here.. that 98% of blowing things up is still in there and though i keep on having a good streak it doesn't mean it's not lost forever... we broke up for she doesn't know if she's loving me anymore.. and i can see that she's happier with her friends than with me... and with that some other guy as well..

i'm a beginner... i was still a fool, new to things that i seem to show no potential on keeping... i love to love... but love gave something impossible for me to keep... she left.. i'm back to being nobody... three times in a row.. we keep on making mistakes.. i could had fought for her still... but just like what she said.. i can't change her... she's right... i can't change her for me... but i know love will..  that's the thing you want to find out to figure just how she loves you... i want to say.. you change me.. but none of it matters no more...

moving on phase is on going now.. bitterness fills the air and as usual my frustrations affects my friends.. everyday is a shitty day.. and thoughts of her saddens me... but we just have to make that move for it's the only option we got to make... sure it will be hard for me to move on for i have feeling of i could have done better but, hey! like what i've said earlier.. neither of 2% and 98% odds will disappear.. it can change... it can be better, it might not be now.. it will be soon... let things flow on your hands... it will never disappear.. things can hurt really bad. sometimes we can never get used to it... but we can learn to handle it... i guess what i really want to say is.. just be fine and well soon.. don't take life seriously nobody gets out alive anyway...

Deprivation test 001

I've been stopping myself from eating red meats since monday, i was planning to convert myself into a vegetarian but it is so hard to do because i can't put myself on its deep discipline since it has so many prohibitions, i have to stay at my safe high grounds from it, but i am determined to progress.

Not only that... i also have been stopping myself from a "Sexy time" ... ughhh.. yes, it's a pretty hard thing to do. at first i was like " aw shit, i can't do that anymore i have to refrain from it drastically", then i was like " 2:30am! okay!! just a couple hours left till it's sun rise and i'm gonna be able to do other stuff rather than thinking about Sex and stuff...... fudge!? @2:31AM?!!?!? THIS IS A SLOW DRAG!!!! COME ON! RUN FASTER TIME!", this shit has been going on for like 3 weeks now... and lemme tell you... THIS IS FCKUING HARD.

but then i just realize, after all that shitty endeavors that i've been taking.. i am kind of having a clearer mind, not that i can explain myself now easily now. instead i'm in a sense that i am able to think of things without negativity, and yes it allows me to step up further from the things i never thought that is not stopping me. i felt sexier because i saw myself inside my personal gym more frequently. this is something good. and yes also it allows me to do stuff for my good career.

i guess that feeling of needing something so bad is a good jump start. it's a conveyance! it directs you to put your fucked up stuff in their rightful place and your gonna be able to walk like a better man than before. this is not a promotional shit that you must read... this is just a plain personal experience.

when is it gonna stop? by the time i get in to a situation that i can't escape from that's the time it...... no not stop but resets... :) im gonna do this thing till i get a hang of it! i'm like a monk! hahahaha, guess that makes since i was called one before :D

Deprivation test 001 - day no meats - 5th day, le no sexy time - 16th (dang! it's been that long already)

i can't forgive you.... i just can't... ice queen came back donnixland

i can't seem to forget everything about you... deep inside me there still something that yells your name... your once sweet breathe whenever i stand close to you fills the air in places that we've been... our thoughts that built our world are still being kept in me... my world in ruins are so cold without you... your fingers that had once interlaced with mine are felt tonight. and i whisper everything that i should have told you before... you wide sweet innocent smile, those grins that hid those things you observe... the lips that is so naturally red took a every fear from me, even though it haven't touch mine... but i really really wish it would... its hard to see you like this... and i know for sure that you know all of these things from me... you feel this feelings from me... but i gave them for you... it just that you can't create something for me too....

but i'm still happy for you, because you are happy and i know with him you are at your best.... this is just me in complete remorse... i just... wished.. that i told you about these things.. it's kind of hard like this and at first i wasn't really sure about this kind of remorse coming but yeah.. it hurts like shit... i could have done something... i could have brushed away your tears when you were down, i could have brought you to laughs at those times that you were randomly paranoid, i could have done something special at those times that we see each other. i could have showed you live when i still had those chances...

now that i'm kind of feeling fine now let me just say FUCK OFF NOW AND LET ME GO ON WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU ACTUALLY KNOWING ALL OF THIS THINGS >:()

BLARRRGG!HH!!!

losing you :( (among them... you are the most remembered and loved...)

everything turned out fine, since they released the result of NLE DECEMBER 2011. we've passed! won't you believe that about 1/3 of 66,760 students who came to take that board examination passed, and i am one of them. I am super duper happy because i have been doubting my answers back then... and i was so anxious in those days... BUT with the aid of that individual... every mistake, every wrong turn, everything that i did was bearable, and i owe it all to that person.

i really wanted to tell her that if ever i'm gonna have a girl, i wish it would be just like her. smiles a lot, optimistic, easy-going, adorable, cutest of the cute! and most importantly makes me feel like what i want to feel... most of the time, like a kid, and a guy like when making life changing moments.

I think i really love that woman, i miss her hugs, her sms kisses (yeah i'm one of those people who enjoys those things) and of course and those things we do to make each other loved... though i think that i'm the only one who feels it... because hey.. what if she only does, or says that because she thinks i'm funny when i react on those things, or maybe yet i'm not crossing the friend zone. but either way, i still admit that i have feelings for her. :) even though i've no idea if she likes me that much too. :(

ughhh.. i'm about to leave her now... not because of this. (HECK NO I STILL WANT TO FEEL LOVED BY HER) but for the fact that we have to make names for ourselves now. :( sure I'm gonna super miss her :( i think i'll gonna go miss her so bad that i might drink a lot of booze and text her about my feelings... hahahaha...

but if she ever going to discover and read this... i just wanna say what i should've told her a few days ago...

hey..

i love you

i don't really wanna ruin everything we have right now

i just like to say that i love you :)

because i really do love you :)

no need to say something back :)

i'm not assuming that you love me back.

i'm just saying that i care and i will remember you as a mistake if i don't tell you these things :)

remember...

listen carefully..

i

love

you

(smiles)