she waits

i'm sorry for this late entry... i kind of miss the liberating activity of posting something and feeling of this so-called catharsis that reliefs your heart and withered mind. this entry that i'd like to post is something about love.. love is one of the best feelings ever... what it does is it makes everything you do better like, when you eat, you eat with someone special, when you go out it makes that day memorable, even when you do the smallest thing, love makes it better.

I am not the kind of guy that is similar to the ones you picture.. i am unique in my own way and i understand things differently, sometimes i can't express myself like how i picture my opinion.. that is why people that spent time with me find me weird and self pitying, naive and self frustrated non-fucker who it's frustrations is contagious for people around me that lectures me tends to be so damn close on putting the right things in my mind physically. i am the fat guy that when you happen to see at the gym you'll be saying "that guy has long way to go" or "i can't tell if that guy is an adult or he's just too fat for his age" and lastly when you see me smiling at very first time you met me, you'll make fun of me.

i prefer sitting at the computer and see amazing stuff, and try 'em everywhere. i do and say funny things that draws people around. i study things even if nothing requires me, i study random stuff, get music from people who got good taste and eat, eat more and sleep that's what i do everyday. but don't get me wrong. i'm pretty awesome at other stuff as well. i play the guitar well, write novels and sing. i tend to be average on cool things that my era has to offer like photography, cooking and other stuff that is cool to know.

See? i am a beta male... i'm nobody... i only have 0.00001 % of a chance to be have an actual chat with female, and 98% of a chance of blowing it and ending it on a awkward moment. i'm just to damn impossible to love. i can't impress them with jokes alone, because it makes this one fine line between true love and the dreaded friend zone.

but one day... the impossible chance appeared once more, and with my 2% of a chance to be successful actually nailed it... i became a boyfriend of a female! a pretty girl with a slim healthy body, a nice lady with a nice lips and smile.. we were so happy and inlove.

i sacrifice many things and i think so did she.. she showed me how to love and gave light to my worthless world. she is my savior. she's the umbrella when there's rain, she is my handkerchief  when i'm sweaty and tired.. she is my pillow to hold when i i feel lonely.. i was learning to love her one small step at a time. i was a beginner, a noob and a shit, she made me human to feel and instead of hanging around with the computer all day she made my everyday special. she save my sorry ass from having no chance of giving love like lover's do, the kind of love that drives you nuts and at same time nice inside, made me happy because i never actually that those gimmicks or pick up lines actually work on real life. i gave love and so did she.. that mutual thing was so an awesome feeling.

just when you are about to give everything, that single bad chapter in your life doesn't fails to show up... in all the times that i fought for her, i never saw her stress and frustrations about me before... how could i if i was blinded and selfish... it doesn't end here.. that 98% of blowing things up is still in there and though i keep on having a good streak it doesn't mean it's not lost forever... we broke up for she doesn't know if she's loving me anymore.. and i can see that she's happier with her friends than with me... and with that some other guy as well..

i'm a beginner... i was still a fool, new to things that i seem to show no potential on keeping... i love to love... but love gave something impossible for me to keep... she left.. i'm back to being nobody... three times in a row.. we keep on making mistakes.. i could had fought for her still... but just like what she said.. i can't change her... she's right... i can't change her for me... but i know love will..  that's the thing you want to find out to figure just how she loves you... i want to say.. you change me.. but none of it matters no more...

moving on phase is on going now.. bitterness fills the air and as usual my frustrations affects my friends.. everyday is a shitty day.. and thoughts of her saddens me... but we just have to make that move for it's the only option we got to make... sure it will be hard for me to move on for i have feeling of i could have done better but, hey! like what i've said earlier.. neither of 2% and 98% odds will disappear.. it can change... it can be better, it might not be now.. it will be soon... let things flow on your hands... it will never disappear.. things can hurt really bad. sometimes we can never get used to it... but we can learn to handle it... i guess what i really want to say is.. just be fine and well soon.. don't take life seriously nobody gets out alive anyway...